Octobers

A friend used to have a sign in her house that said, “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers,” and I feel that deeply right now.

For its visual beauty- sunshine through golden leaves, the deep green of the grass from all the September rain.

For its amazing weather – the chill of the morning as I open all the windows and freeze out my children. But then, the warming of the sun for afternoon playing and the perfection that is a sweatshirt for family walks after dinner.

For the anticipation and excitement of the holiday season around the corner.

It has been a beautiful month.

In a lot of ways, it has felt like a homecoming back to myself as I’ve recovered from the bone-weary exhaustion and darkness I experienced at the end of summer.

Though I felt so much better in September, it still held a lot of what August was – appointments and support as constant reminders of where I had been just weeks before.

October feels like years away from August, and I love that.

In the church foyer, I was catching up with a friend and mentor and making plans with her for the week. She started to tear up as she told me I had the sparkle back in my eye.

A couple weeks later, my mother-in-law wrapped me up in a hug, echoing a similar sentiment:

“You’re back,” she said.

October has been really wonderful being “back”, but it also has been a time of working through some hard things both personally and with those around us. Many of us have come to learn that life is the intertwining of both the hard and the beautiful, and the beautiful seasons can still be speckled with hard, and if we look to the Lord, the hard ones can still carry beauty.

This past month has nourished me, drained me, emboldened me. I’ve felt more on fire for the Lord, more ready than ever to do the work He has called me to do, more joyful, than I have felt in a year.

At the same time, I’ve also been healing through hurt, working through sin and strongholds, navigating some really challenging situations, and fighting frustration as I try to share the love of Christ with others and feel like I don’t see the fruit.

But, I can look back on October and still call it beautiful, because it was.

For much of my life, I struggled with seeing things as all or nothing, good or bad.

Annoyances on a Friday could “ruin” the whole weekend, and if you eat one piece of candy, you might as well eat the whole bag.

For much of my life, there was not a lot of room for nuance, growth, pivoting, or adjusting to a different outcome than I had hoped for.

I wish the story of me being mad for an entire birthday dinner because we got a tall table instead of a booth was made up. It’s not. My 20s were turbulent, just ask my husband.

So many big events, big days ended up “disastrous” because I would allow one thing to overshadow the whole experience. My best friends joke that they used to have to get on their knees in prayer if me and my husband had a special trip or date planned – most times it ended in emotional turmoil for all involved. Nothing could live up to my expectations.

My mid-thirties have been a really interesting and beautiful time and while I am still not someone anyone would describe as “easy going,” I have learned to roll with the punches a little better.

Last weekend, my husband and I were planning to head to Traverse City for an overnighter. We were so excited about it and the in-laws rolled in, ready to wrangle the kids for 2 days.

The hotel was booked, no one was puking, and as my husband pulled in the driveway after his morning at work, it seemed as if we really were going to go!

He stepped out of the car and stood up, and in that moment, threw out his back for the first time in his life. He walked in the house and my father in law said, “What’s wrong??” as Max barely made it back to the bed. (I did mention the mid-thirties are interesting.)

Anyways, he could barely move. It was not a grit your teeth and bear it injury, and after assessing the situation, we started our little trip at the Urgent Care, where many dreams and expectations go awry.

After our time at the doctor’s, we did end up going for a very quick trip, and enjoyed every second as much as we could. I did not come from a “make the best of it” family, so being able to set aside the expectations and still enjoy the time together was major progress.

Author’s note : (I may have lacked some humility as I described myself as “cool, calm and collected” after the weekend to others, because days later, I held our family emotionally hostage all day at the pumpkin farm because things did not go as planned. But that post is for another day. Sanctification is a journey and the pumpkin patch was a bit of a wrong turn, as they sometimes are!)

October has been crackling fires and pumpkin coffee.

October has been walking out of my way to step on fallen leaves to hear them crunch under my feet.

October has been coming face to face with my own sin and areas of weakness.

October has been family birthday parties, playing in the park, hard conversations.

It’s been urgent care, but cracking up with my husband at the episode of Family Feud playing in the waiting room.

October has been meetings at church and deep breaths and teaching my daughter every woman’s rite of passage is leaving the salon crying after a haircut.

It’s been warm snuggles on the couch in the morning and cool family walks at night.

October has always been walking with friends through hard things, figuring out where to put sadness, and growing even when it feels uncomfortable.

I am really grateful for October and the grace of God that filled all of it.