A couple months ago, two close friends were over and we were sprawled out in my living room talking and catching up.
On the rare occasion we find ourselves without our kids, the conversation takes on a life of its own as we get to go deeper and actually finish a thought or two. Then in a not-so-rare occasion, I ended up sharing something very personal and quite embarrassing.
After I shared it, my friend Kelli immediately exclaimed, “I’m glad you said that!” and went on to relate to my very vulnerable admission.
Later on, I got to thinking about that phrase.
“I’m glad you said that.”
I hear some variation of it often in my life.
People pull me aside after a meeting at church, send me messages after a vulnerable blog post,
“Thank you for sharing.”
“I appreciate your openness.”
“Thank you for asking those questions.”
“That was brave of you for saying that.”
Often, I am the one that goes first. I am vulnerable and transparent about what I am experiencing even when no one else is. Especially when no one else is.
Vulnerability requires wisdom and discernment, but my experience in being transparent about the issues I face is that it produces a type of community that fosters openness, growth, and closeness.
I have walked through the darkness of mental illness, but for some reason, I don’t carry the shame and stigma that many do. I have been open about my struggles and by doing so, I see how very “not alone” I am.
The people who are “glad I said that” tell me so in private moments, and in turn, I keep writing and sharing, knowing someone needs to hear it.
My story is one marked with chapters and seasons I am tempted to try and shove down and try to forget.
Sin, painful mistakes, brutal heartbreaks, significant mental health challenges.
These topics can be uncomfortable, but I’m willing to deal with the discomfort of addressing them if it means someone feels less alone and more importantly, if it means I can point them to the one who redeemed it all.
My life has been a testament, albeit messy, to the amazing and wonderful grace of God.
In His kindness, He has brought me back again and again, not handing me over to the life I thought I wanted, but gently and patiently bringing me into more.
There are entire seasons, years even, of my life I look back upon and shame tempts me to stay there.
Still imperfect, still fighting hard against mental illness and a temperament prone to anger and blame and selfishness and pride, but laying it down at His feet and begging Him not to let me stay here.
I wrote for over a decade on a blog called “Count Your Blessings, Not Your Chins.” I started it as a single girl in my young twenties navigating dating, heartbreak, beginning a career, and then in the following years, marriage and motherhood.
That blog will always be like a first home to me; my passion for writing and sharing and connecting came alive. Some posts went viral. Some flopped. I reread the posts and laugh and cry and cringe. I love that place.
But in some ways, I have outgrown it.
Who I am now, at 34, is someone so desperate to shine the light of Jesus in the emotional places others are maybe a little afraid to go.
What does it mean to follow Jesus when you have mental illness?
What does radical love and truth look like to others when we disagree?
What does a godly marriage really entail?
How do we process and experience life in all it’s messiness with an eternal mindset?
While I do still have the same round face prone to double chins, as I’ve grown older and in my relationship with Jesus, the chins are of much less concern.
My greatest purpose is that through my story and imperfect journey, He is illuminated as the only good in me and the only One capable of turning what I used to be into a new creation.
I am not who I was at 20, thank God.
I am not who I was at 30, thank God.
Every day He is moving in me, transforming me in a slow and steady way.
I want to share about my life openly so that others do not feel alone and so they know they can be seen and known and deeply loved by God, regardless of what they have done or how deeply they are suffering.
Welcome. It’s a blog about my life, but hopefully a blog that points you to Jesus. There will be some deep, some light, some sad, some funny.
Writing through life is my favorite, and I am so glad you’re here.
