In the third grade, I told a group of my friends that the house my parents had just bought was a “quarter mansion.”
This was intended to be a brag. Perhaps the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder had recently launched, but in my head, this was the best way to describe how huge my new house was.
And it was a nice house. It wasn’t a mansion, clearly, since I called it 1/4 of one, but it was big enough where I felt extremely cool and extremely rich with my above ground pool and bathrooms on 3 levels.
If I remember correctly, I told the girls that the words “Quarter Mansion” were written on the For Sale sign in front of the house. See me for all your Real Estate Marketing Needs!
My motives back then were obvious. I made up a lie to make myself look rich and fancy. My friends’ opinions and perceptions of me were clearly of very high value. Isn’t it wild that it starts so young- the longing to feel important, worthy, good, seen, praised?
It’s a little bit funny now. I was 8 years old and learning about myself and friendships and identity. As an adult, if I stretched the truth to this degree, I would slowly but surely lose every close relationship to me.
And while as an almost 35 year old I do not fabricate tales, spend more than I tell my husband I do, or exaggerate with intent to mislead, the desire of my heart to be admired and valued and generous and smart and skinny hasn’t gone anywhere.
In fact, if left unchecked, it becomes one of the biggest idols in my life.
So it isn’t a matter of “if” that longing is showing up in my behavior somewhere, but “where”.
I usually don’t have to look far.
It shows up when I choose the pictures that are flattering. That only show my face and body from slimming angles and not the ones that are how most people see me in every day life.
It shows up when I silently judge other people for choices they make, elevating myself above them. It’s obvious when I say something negative out loud about someone to make myself look better.
I see it in my complaining and grumbling to others about how hard something is or how unfair something was. I want their pity and their sympathy.
It’s there when I feel paralysis over what to write, because I want to get the most favorable response from the most people.
I am not telling bold-faced lies about the size of my house to make people see me the way I want them to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with the exact same heart issue I did as an 8 year old.
I think the culture of social media has shifted over the years and many, including me, have become more and more transparent in the name of being “real” and “authentic.” And while that is great, I don’t think this fixes the problem at all. Even in posting a less-than-flattering picture, or about the deep valleys I’ve found myself in with mental health, I still need the approval. Even in vulnerability my heart finds a way to seek praise!
When I dig down deep, the approval and admiration of others is at least part of the motive of most things I do. The desire to lose weight, update the house, post the picture and write the blog. For my glory and to elevate my own name.
“People pleasing” sounds cute, but it’s actually a devastating state of mind that leaves you prisoner to the emotions of those around you.
“Fear of Man” traps you in the opinions of other people, turning you into a chameleon, changing based on whoever you’re around.
It’s sin and something I need to put before the Lord .
So here I am, with what I feel is a call on my life to write and share my story and spread the gospel far and wide, yet held back because I want to have certain metrics or succeed in specific ways.
As cliché as the phrase “audience of one” can sound, so much – everything – in my life would change if what I did was to elevate HIS name. If that were my measure of success- 3 people reading my words and being pointed to Jesus would be an astonishing victory.
In the New Testament, when John the Baptist’s disciples saw that Jesus was getting quite a following, they tried to rile John up, pointing out that everyone was going to Jesus now for baptism. (If the first century had a reality show.)
John was a well known prophet and baptizer, and they were seeing the attention shift to Jesus. They were pitting the two against each other, but John would not play that game.
“An argument developed between some of John’s disciples and a certain Jew over the matter of ceremonial washing. 26 They came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan—the one you testified about—look, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to him.”
27 To this John replied, “A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. 28 You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ 29 The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. 30 He must become greater; I must become less.”[h] John 3:25-30
“That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less.”
If I have experienced the joy that is salvation from Jesus Christ, pointing to Him should be the absolute highest aim of every word I write.
I have been feeling so stuck with writing the last few months.
What will I say? What will they say? What if only 10 people read it? What if someone from high school hate-reads this and screenshots it to their friend? What will they think of me? How will I come off?
He must become greater, I must become less.
What will they think of Him after my words? Will my words glorify Him, to however many people choose to read them with whatever motives they have?
While the words may be my story and about my life, if the ultimate metric of success is to honor God, the pressure is off if I only care about Him being made known.
My hope and my prayer is that I write for Him– to show where He is working in my life – and that ultimately the words land where needed.
If they do land with you, please know there is a God who has loved and pursued me all my life. Whether my words are about home rhythms or mental health or joyful seasons, I hope above all else they move in the world so that He is greater.
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